An Open Letter To Whoever Buys From Spam

• 23rd January 2006 at 18:47

Dear Person Who Has Bought Something From Spam,

I'm writing to you today because I have a question. What were you thinking when you filled out that spammer's form for a homeowner loan?

No, seriously. Were you thinking about your debt? Well nice work Einstein, now you owe Hong Kong $769M.

They say technology is a great leveller, and it's certainly helped you out. But in 1859, they figured out why people like you have such bad luck, and they called it evolution. Survival of the fittest. The reason you can't get a girlfriend is not only because you're ugly, it's also because you're stupid. I don't want people who buy "v13gr 4" clouding up my gene pool, so would you kindly get the hell out. Perhaps there's a reason you need to increase your "size and stamina" - nature didn't mean for you to use it in the first place. Ever think of that?

I, and the billions of other people who don't buy from spam, all want to know - what made you think those stocks were a good investment? Was it the spelling of '1nv 3$t0r z' that got you thinking "hey, here's someone who knows what they're talking about"?

And on a personal note, can I just ask why you followed the link in that e-mail from Paypal? Was it the way it was addressed from 'Acounts'? Did you think "hey, that sounds like someone I can trust"? Didn't you think it was a bit strange that you didn't even have a Paypal account?

You have wasted hours of my life, and I want them back.

Ok, so I'd only waste them anyway, as Hans would say. But that's not the point. You are the reason I need a dedicated mail server to deal with the 20,000+ spams I recieve each and every day. You are the reason my ISP wastes over 30 GB of bandwidth a year on my unsolicited commercial e-mails alone. I'm even going to blame you for my hard drives packing up so quickly - after reading and writing 7.3 million spams every year, you've got to accept you're at least partially responsible.

Please do us all a favour and take your PC to someone who knows something about computers. Maybe they'll be able to scrape the hard drive clean of all the spyware and install some anti-spam software. Maybe they'll just see the harm you're doing and just 'format C:'. I don't care, just get the hell off my interweb.

Yours sincerely,

%RND_NAME

Comments

Leave a comment