The Co-Op Sells DVDs

• 7th November 2003 at 19:42

• Gladiator: No, not the one with the feisty Australian, but one which has the subcaption 'The End Of The Lost World'. You just know from that that we're on to a winner. And to reinforce it, they added 'They must fight against each other... arena of DEATH! THE ULTIMATE SPECTACLE'. So, without further ado, here's the blurb off the back:

  Lost adventurers discover a place inhabited by intelligent life forms that have descended from the dinosaurs. These evil 'lizard men' are the rulers and the humans are their slaves. In this strange world and explorer, Roxton is captured and made a GLADIATOR. In order to save himself and his companions, he must fight and kill one of the human slaves in an arena known as the PIT.

  Where death is the ultimate spectacle our hero must survive or it will be the end for all of them, the end of the journey and the end of the lost world....

  I hope you noticed there how they had the words 'GLADIATOR' and 'PIT' in large letters to reinforce their importance, and had added an extra full stop at the end, as if to say 'oh yeah, you know you want to see this one'. And to be honest, after that, I do, but IMDB gives it a depressingly high rating of 4.5/10
  
  
• Alien Intruder: This one's already sounding good. The tagline along the top says 'A lethal creature beyond their worst nightmares', and along the bottom 'In space, man isn't the only creature that kills for sport...'. You'd think a front cover can't get better, but it can. There's a picture of the 3 big names; some random woman who acted in Dynasty, a guy brandishing a large tacky silver laser gun thing, and a picture of BILLY DEE WILLIAMS! Yes, that's right, the star of this show is the same guy who played Lando Calrissian in Star Wars! How can I not get this, I thought to myself. And so onto the synopsis on the back:

  Four convicts get a chance at freedom by volunteering for what seems to be a routine salvage mission, but with the appearance of a mysterious woman TRACY SCOGGINS the Captain BILLY DEE WILLIAMS begins to lose his sanity, crew members start dying, and the navigator MAXWELL CAULFIELD discovers too late, that there's an alien on board with a mission of it's own...

  It almost makes it sound like a good film, doesnt it... Well, IMDB gives it a more encouraging rating of 3.8/10, and someone has described it as "A really warped science-fiction adventure". Now we're getting somewhere! Onwards!
  
  
• Secret Ninja, Roaring Tiger: What can I say? I have taste. The front text reads 'The 200 year old sect of silent assassins - this time they've gone too far...' - now tell me how I could have put this one back on the shelf. The text on the back reads:

  Dragon Kong, a victor of a millionaire's martial-arts contest, is about to begin the most dangerous mission of his life. For his prize, the millionaire's ravishing daughter Susan, has been stolen - kidnapped by a Ninja sect headed by Tiger So. a legendary Ninjitsu super-foot.

  Why Tiger has taken Susan, Dragon can only guess, but as the shocking truth begins to dawn, and the final showdown approaches, the violence of the Ninja reaches its fatal peak.

  Here's hoping the film is all dubbed as badly as that has been translated! Maybe it won't even be dubbed! Good or what? But as if that wasn't good enough, they put this screengrab on...
  
  
  Wow. Best. Purchase. Ever. Unfortunately, for some reason that only IMDB knows, they gave it an appaulingly high rating of 5.1/10. Yes, that's right, according to IMDB, this is the best dvd of all three. I would agree, but for a different reason. A little disappointed? I was. Until I read what someone had written about it; "Slightly above the bottom of the barrel. But not much. Acting is poor, script is nonexistent".
  
  Fantastic.
  

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