Attack Of The Cold Callers: My New Favourite Game

• 14th November 2006 at 13:58

When someone rings me up to sell me something, I give them every chance to escape. I say I'm on the TPS, I ask them to remove me from their list, I even thank them for their call.

But sometimes they can't take a hint, and they just won't leave.

For those people, I have discovered a new fun game. I call it "Irrationalism". It's like Pelmanism, only it doesn't test the memory, and you play it without cards.

It plays out something like this:

Me: Hello?
Them: Hi, it's someone calling from the obscure phone company, just wondering if you'd upgraded your Orange handset recently?
Me: I'm sorry, but I'm not with Orange any more, and I'm on the telephone preference scheme, so could you please remove my details from your list?
Them: Ok, sure, but who are you with now?
Let the games begin!
Me: Telewest.
Them: No, I meant for your mobile phone.
Me: Oh, I don't have a mobile phone any more.
Pause...
Them: Err, but this is a mobile number?
Me: No it's not.
Them: Ok.. This isn't.. 07blah blah blah?
Me: I don't know, I finished my pie.
Them: Err... sorry?
Me: No need to apologise, you weren't to know.
Them: Err, sorry to bother you.
*Click*

For some people, the enjoyment of having irrational conversations with annoying strangers will be reward enough. However, if you are one of those people who needs rules and must score points, I have you covered too. Read on.

The rules are simple: you score a point for every second you keep them hanging on, and lose 10 seconds every time you make a response that they could rationally expect.

And if that's not enough, there are bonus words and phrases! You can only count them if you use them in context and if the other person replies. A short list of examples:

• Saying "cheese" or "pie" - each score 5
• Saying "antidisestablishmentarianism" correctly - scores 15
• Yelling "There...are...four...lights!" - scores 30
• Singing some or all of the Weeeeee! song - priceless. But scores 60.

You can also score multipliers, which act on that sentence:

• If more than one word or phrase is used in one sentence, your multiplier goes up each time.
• If you manipulate them into saying a bonus word, your multiplier is doubled.

For example, if you say "cheese pie ice cream", you would score (time+5+5+5) x3. If they say it, you'd get (time+5+5+5) x3 x2. And if you get them to sing the chorus of the Weeeeee! song... well, if they do that, I think they've earnt the right to sell you something.

Therefore the conversation above would score 37 points, because after I told them to leave me alone, I kept them hanging on the line for 32 seconds, and mentioned 'pie' (+5). But 37 points is a poor score.

If you are in doubt, consult the Irrationalism (TM) handbook!

Well, that was a productive lunch break... ;)

Comments

Leave a comment