So There I Am

• 4th October 2005 at 15:11

So there I am, sitting at my computer, minding my own business, when suddenly the doorbell rings.

Ooh, I think to myself. That must be my empty Ipod box for me to return it - more on that later. So I open the door, and... there's a man in a fluorescent orange jacket.

"Hello. I'm working on the roadworks down the road, and I was speaking to a lady earlier who said that I could come and use a toilet up here."

Riiight, I said.

At school they teach you how to integrate a function, what the capital of Durkistan is, and how to properly conjugate the latin verb comedo into its pluperfect passive form. But they don't ever teach you anything useful, like how to deal with someone coming to the door asking to use your toilet.

So, I thought to myself "and what lady would that be? There ain't no lady here today. Why this house, it's upstairs and four buildings away from the roadworks. Be off with you, foul man, and find somewhere else to conclude your business", but being English, I couldn't bring myself to be so rude. And so the conversation went on, with me gently dissuading, and him gently persuading. But with the toilet door open right in front of us, and him being so polite and stuff and explaining how desperate his need was, I couldn't think of a good enough excuse to say no. Of course, a good reason would have been "no, it's my toilet - if you'd wanted a job with an on-site toilet, you should have paid attention in school", but I'm a nice chap, so after a while I let him in. How bad could it be?

Well, that was three and a half hours ago, and I've just finished cleaning, having first left the door shut and the window open for well over an hour. The basin was thick with globules of dirt from where he rinsed his hands, the towel is now in the washing machine, and the toilet... well, if I used someone else's toilet to do that, I'd have at least had the courtesy to wipe the seat, if not the bowl too.

So here's a helpful hint: should anyone come knocking at your door asking to use the toilet, especially if that person is a workman from the roadworks outside, and especially if that person has about them the faintest whiff of last night's extra-strong lamb vindaloo, just say no.

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