Putting the fun in funeral

Welcome to Radiac's Guide to Death!

My father died a few months ago, and as the last member of the family it's been my responsibility to organise his funeral, and to work through tasks as executor.

I was in no way prepared.

I thought I'd write up some top tips for anyone who still has their parents, or is the next of kin to someone. Even if they're in perfect health, now is the time to tackle at least some of these.

Recent photos

Have a nice up-to-date portrait photo without too much jank in the background.

Apparently it's the done thing to stick their photo on everything - the justgiving page, their order of service etc.

You'd think there would be a good photo, but unless you stand someone up against a wall there probably won't be. There were several photos of my dad from the past few years, but they'd be a group shot which ended up at 160px square when cropped, or he'd be carrying something across his face, or stood somewhere weird. I ended up grabbing a photo of him with a grandchild, cropping it, hacking at it with the clone tool, then an assortment of AI tools to sort out the mess I made of it.

Just line your family up against a plain wall each Christmas and tell them it's time for their annual shots for their "missing" poster or order of service. Or do it more subtly if you don't want to spoil the mood. It feels morbid and gross but you can't go back and do it when it's too late.

Plan their funeral

There's the obvious basics like knowing if they want a burial or cremation, but you're going to be asked things like where they want to be buried or scattered? What hymns and readings would they have wanted? What clothes should they be they're buried in? What colour of the flowers would they have liked?

Tell your loved ones you've been thinking of their death, and ask if they have any preferences. I'm sure the conversation will be swift and breezy.

While on the topic, find a funeral director and bookmark their website. If you know the person is dying soon, depending where it happens, you're probably going to need to arrange for the body to be taken away, and you don't want to start looking when you've already got one on your hands.

Get the money now

If you can, save up and have money set aside for the funeral - or even better, get them to give you the cash in advance.

Even basic funerals can be eye-wateringly expensive. You can get the deceased's bank to pay the funeral director's invoice (assuming they have the cash), but that still leaves things like hall hire and catering - and it's like weddings, as soon as they hear the word "funeral" they add a zero.

But wait, there's more! Once the funeral is out of the way, you'll also need to pay people to value the estate, pay bills until everything's sold, there will be solicitor fees... it's the gift that keeps on giving.

And you can be sure that it'll hit when you can't afford it - for me the funeral landed in between contracts, just after I'd had to pay for my roof to be replaced. How inconsiderate, eh?

Guest list

Talk about who to notify about their passing, and who to invite (or not to invite) to the service.

I've missed telling so many people - I've had at least 5 phone calls, 10 christmas cards, and someone cared enough that they actually showed up to his place of work looking for him. Address books get old quickly - get them to keep theirs up-to-date.

Also, make a note of who you notify (and if others are passing it on for you, make sure you note who they've told), and make sure you follow up with funeral details. Also, pick your time you're telling them. I got this very wrong with my mum's notifications with two of her close friends - told one at a very bad time, and forgot to tell another the date of the funeral; neither have forgiven me in 20 years.

Draft their eulogy

This may sound weird, but summing up someone's life in a 5 minute speech is hard, and in the process you'll find you're missing critical details.

No matter how well you think you know someone, it's not until you try to talk about their time in the army or how they ended up in their line of work that you realise you don't actually know as much as you thought, and there's nobody left to ask.

It doesn't have to be the final draft, but write their brief life history and put it somewhere safe.

Ask all the questions

Ask them everything before it's too late. Don't be embarassed or try to hide it - a person lives as long as they are remembered, you're asking because you care. Record it on video/audio, or write it down (and get them to check it). Go through all the photo albumns *and write on the backs of the photos*.

I learned this lesson when my mum and gran died, but even despite that, it still felt too awkward asking my dad. In the end I was gently asking him things on his deathbed as he faded in and out, and I only ended up with partial answers. Because I avoided the topic, I have now lost almost all the knowledge about my ancestors - my mum and dad, their childhood, who the people in all these old photos are etc.

I'm now piecing together my fragmented memories of conversations I didn't pay enough attention to in my teens and 20s, using old papers I've found in their stuff and resorting to trawling ancestry.com and searching old newspaper records in findmypast.co.uk - surprisingly helpful, but still short on the flavour and detail that makes someone's life.

The logistics of death

I can only talk about my experience in the UK, but even if you're in the UK too, everyone's journey through the first few days is going to be a little or a lot different, depending on circumstances of the death. My mum died in hospital, my gran in a nursing home, my dad at his home; but each was expected so none went to the coroner. They still had slightly different specifics, but the general flowchart was the same.

First of all a nurse or doctor will need to verify the death, and then the body can be taken away by the funeral director. If you've got the out-of-hours number for the nurse and funeral director, this can all happen quite quickly, even in the middle of the night.

The nurse or doctor will notify the GP, and within a day or two they should officially record the cause of death. It's worth chasing this, because it needs to happen before you can go to the registry office.

You only have 5 working days from the death to show up at a council registrar to register the death and get the official death certificate. You don't need to do it at one local to the death, it just takes a bit more organising.

While you're waiting to go to the registry office, you'll need to meet the funeral director to book the church or crematorium or whatever, find somewhere for the after-party, and a caterer to make some overpriced sandwiches and hand out teas to your guests.

Get that all locked down in the first week and you're just left with the details of coffins and sandwich fillings. And the fun of dealing with the estate.

And with everything going on, remember to allow yourself time to grieve. It's easy to throw yourself into the todo list (or a new job), but it's also easy to become overwhelmed. If you're dealing with this stuff, chances are this person was important to you. It's ok to take time to acknowledge that.

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