My Manifesto

Finance

Once I have become your Prime Minister, my first act will be to tell the EU where they can put their euros. I will then invade France, teach them some manners, and sell it to Switzerland (they're loaded, and they look like they could do with the space). I will then spend some of the money on upgrading hospitals and other emergency services, and paying them what they should be earning.

As for taxes, nobody likes them, so lets not bother. I will make the UK a tax free country.

Law

I'm going to radically shake up the legal system. I'm going to start with driving laws - I will remove the maximum speed limit for the outer lane on motorways, and impose a minimum limit of 70mph. And I'm going to have a national 'Destroy Your Nearest Speed Camera' day.

I will introduce new anti-piracy laws - people can apply for piracy licenses, so that poor people can pay what they can for copyright material. They'd only steal it anyway. I'm going to introduce family centres throughout the country, and make it a legal requirement for all families to go there once a week, to re-enforce the value of the family. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what will happen in there, probably brain washing or something. That'll help cut crime.

I'll legalise pot, it seems harmless enough, and I will have all other drug dealers shot in the streets by my special police, and then put in gibbets in town centers. Burglars will have their hands removed, muggers will be beaten to a bloody pulp by my special police, and for each of these crimes the perpetrators will be locked in stocks in the town center for a fortnight. I will establish links between the town councils and local food establishments to provide shoppers with free rotting organic material to throw at them.

Cigarettes will be banned - sure, we'll lose some money on the taxes, but then again we did just sell france to Switzerland (they're loaded). Plus we'll save on the health costs, and people will be better off in the long run.

Jobs

I'll re-open any mining pits that are financially viable, and some that are not. I'll inject money into the boat yards so that we are once again one of the great boat builders of the world. And if I run out of money, I'll threaten New Switzerland with invasion and get some more off them (they're loaded). I will also develop generic manufacturing plants around the country.

London's doing pretty well, I'll leave them be. Apart from for Shakeaway, who I will give enough money to spread to every city, town and village in the land, and open mobile Shakeaway vans, one of which will follow me around the country and give me free milkshakes whenever I want - it's only fair. If you haven't had a Shakeaway... now you see my point.

Transport

I will set up a nationalised shipping company, and impose heavy fines on all companies who use their own trucks on the motorways - that way we'll be able to schedule things to all go at the same time, and reduce the number of "Long Vehicle"s driving from Hastings to Manchester with nothing but a box of dried packet soup. I will nationalise the rail industry, have overground electric trains broken up for scrap, and re-introduce steam trains, everyone loves steam trains. And I'll fix up the tubes, they kinda suck.

Development

I will fund a national research centre, whose prime aim is to research technology to advance mankind. Such as teleporters. Once we have teleporter blueprints (or 'transporters' as I will call them), I will pass them to my manufacturing plants, and I will install teleportation stations all over the country. It will be glorious. We'll still keep the steam trains for fun, everyone loves steam trains. We can then rent transporters to other countries, and put all the money back into the UK, allowing us to not bother with taxes.

The national research centre will also develop blueprints for fusion reactors, which will then be manufactured by my manufacturing plants, installed all over the country and rented abroad.

The centre will also develop warp drives, and I will turn the Isle of Wight into the base for an inter-plantary starship fleet. The centre will also develop impulse drives, site-to-site transporters, communicators, tricorders, phasors, photon torpedoes, universal translators, pre-packaged sandwiches that dont suck, energy shields, sensor arrays, tractor beams and holodecks, and we will boldly go where no man has gone before.

International Policy

We will rent our products to other countries, at very reasonable prices. There will be no more starvation because we will be able to mass produce food in our factories and teleport it to where it is needed.

I will bring peace to the world by inviting all the leaders and antagonists from all over the world, and we can have an all-night Documentaryathon, eating pizza, popcorn and Ben & Jerrys while we watch loads of documentaries by Bill Oddy. He rocks. If that doesn't calm them down, I'll wheel out the David Attenborough.

I will also establish trade links with Alpha Centauri. Trade's important.

To conclude

Once I have eliminated crime, sorted out world peace, provided the world with a near limitless supply of clean energy and clean and instantaenous travel, and set up an interplanetary starship fleet with outposts throughout the galaxy, I will quit my job as the Prime Minister, and build a nice big house out in the country with the money that I embezzled during my time in power.

I will be the best thing that ever happened to this country, hell, the entire planet. Vote for me. You know it makes sense.